There is beauty in the breakdown

September 28, 2017 / lioneltorres / 1 Comment

Well, ladies and gentleman……

Here I am. I have spent the greater part of the day thinking about my blog, and how much joy it had brought me each and every time I sat at my keyboard to type. I liken it to that one favorite shirt you had growing up, you know the one that was so torn up and tattered, because you wore it a million times, and when you weren’t wearing it, (because it had been three times in the last week) you were thinking of wearing it. As you grew and got older the shirt found its way to the back of your closet, and you wore it less and less; you never forgot it, but it wasn’t worn anymore. You remember how good it fit, and how good it made you feel, and you remember the stains and just how pissed off you were when you dropped a lo-mein noodle on it from the local asian restaurant.

That is kind of what my blog turned in to. The dusty old shirt……. I tried and thought about it AT LEAST 100 times since my last post, but inevitably I would get distracted. I could say that, “I simply did not have the time”, which is total bullshit if you want to be completely honest. I did think about several fun and interesting topics that I might write about at some point, but what needs to happen first is an apology. I apologize to everyone (all three of you that read this), but here I am now and I will try and write a little more frequently. One word of advice if you ever find yourself in my shoes. IF you choose to start a blog, DO IT, do it until your heart is content because you will forget some of the things you wrote. I did. However what NOT to do is, don’t let your domain expire. When I started this journey of my blog, I purchased a domain (thissideoftheuniverse.com) and started pitter pattering all over my keyboard….. I let it expire in march of this year, and now that I have decided to restart this journey, I’ve spent all evening trying to get it back. I suppose if you clicked on a link to get here, it worked, but as of now it isn’t functioning.

So what the heck have I been doing for the last 26,700 miles of my life (if you find yourself incredibly lost, read my last post). It is incredibly hard to remember it all, but I can admittedly hit on several things…..

•I’ve learned to become more humble– When I wrote my last blog I was working for a very popular hotel company as a driver, I know, seems so amazing doesn’t it? Thing is, I THOUGHT I loved it, but apparently I wasn’t a good fit for the team. I thought I was doing great, learning, and finally feeling competent at what I was doing (there is a little more to it than steering a 20,000 pound bus full of tired and sometimes cranky people) and I was pulled in just shy of my 90-day probationary period and was let-go. At the time, I was DEVASTATED, I remember walking back to my car after having turned in my badge choking back tears. I was inadequate to someone else standards, and there was nothing I could or WOULD do to change their minds. I poured myself in to the drivers seat of my car and sat there in complete shock. I would love to say I held my head high, laughed, put on some Beyonce and drove off, with a one finger salute to the company, but that would be a flat-out lie. I sat there in shock and then realized my time with the company was over, and I cried, and cried, and cried a little more. I had never been fired from a job before, and it hurt. In the weeks that followed my termination I started to think about what I was really losing, but I couldn’t come up with anything great about what I would have attained or accomplished from working there (aside from amazing deals on hotel stays, I mean Seriously good.) Now looking back I can see what i’ve gained, and it was a bit of humility. I never thought I could fail, and that I would (because my track recored was flawless) never do anything but be the best. So I guess I did learn something amidst the tears and devastation, and that is something that stays with me to this day.

•I’ve learned what TIRED really is– In the fall of 2016, I was granted the opportunity to check something off my bucket-list… I got the opportunity to work for a movie production, prepping, cooking and serving food to the production staff and actors for somewhere between 2-3 months ( I honestly cannot remember, my eyes glazed over). Now I know this sounds super amazing, and the opportunity WAS great, but what I quickly found out, is that this was easily going to become my most challenging task ever. This was a 5/6/7 day a week experience with days ranging anywhere from 15/18 hours a day worth of work. The days off were spent prepping, planning, and shopping for a variety of supplies/food needed to deal with a number of different diets, and dealing with whatever curveballs were thrown my way. When I was off, it didn’t mean necessarily it would stay that way, one situation in particular comes to mind…

I had found that elusive day off on a sunday, and so I picked the best way I knew how…… watching a movie. The movie “Moana” had come out weeks before, and like the five year old that I am….. I had been dying to see it. There is something completely mind-numbing about beautiful graphics about the ocean. Well, I was watching the movie, and they had just gotten to the part where Maui was singing his beloved (and SUPER ANNOYING) song “You’re Welcome” and my phone lit up…. It was one of my staff members notifying me that my cargo van (which was loaded with tables, chairs, and supplies needed for a location change) had a flat tire. ggrreeeeeeeaaaaaaatttttttttt I felt like the universe was just laughing at me uncontrollably as I could hear, “what can i say except, you’re welcome” in the background. I remember just ~~walking,~~ bolting out of the theater, leaving my reese’s pieces, popcorn, twizzlers, and Coke zero (hey now, don’t you judge me…….. I know you are…. so quit… haha. I had ONE DAY OFF in weeks, and I was going to try and send myself into diabetic shock, and watch TWO movies.) in the theater and walked/ran to my car. I called around and quickly realized, IT’S FREAKING SUNDAY in a little country town, which might as well have been the town of the dreaded sundown. I panicked calling place after place, and found a Sam’s club that could change the tire if I made it there by 7pm, the time was 6:00 pm and I was 40 minutes away from the van, and another 30 minutes from the actual facility that could change my tire. Well, needless to say, I made it at 6:55 and sprinted to the door, (I didn’t even try parking, I drove to the tire change bay and left the keys in the van, and to be completely honest it may still have been on, I don’t can’t remember. I got it done though, the guy was shocked, and probably a little ticked off that he would have to stay a little later than expected…… but that project had so many twists, turns, changes, and curveballs that were thrown it just resulted in more work being done.

Now that whole story and the way I started that, it makes it seem like a nightmare, which, at some points I definitely may have considered ~~googling the closest bridge and jumping off of it~~ quitting, but had I done that, I wouldn’t have met so many people that are insanely passionate about their craft. I would have missed out on the opportunity to experience so many beautiful sunrises and sunsets……. seriously, check these out:

While it was a truly exhausting experience….. I wouldn’t change it for anything, I mean, how else would I have learned how to make a number of vegetarian gluten free meals? I surely wouldn’t have learned that if you drink just enough Monster/Rock Star/ Redbulls that you can actually hear colors? haha, all joking aside it was a learning experience and one I won’t forget ANY TIME SOON!

After I finished that adventure I decided to take some much needed time away from adult-life and took a few months off… so. nothing really major there.

What have I been doing lately? learning how to walk, so I can run……

Well I started a new position in March with a different company; Originally it started out as a complete joke, a friend posted something about a job position, and I had probably eaten my height in nachos over the last few months, so I figured, “I’m going to joke and reply, saying i’m going to apply.” boy did that have a snowball effect, I was encouraged and told to do it, so I figured why the hell not…. And so I jumped.

I had ZERO experience in this area, and I swear I would never get a call back, after all, my experience was mainly playing and wearing gym shorts for a living. (I say that jokingly, my life at my previous long-term facility was amazing and SO SO SO much more than that. Its just funny to describe it that way.) They called me back for an interview, and I immediately freaked out, I’m telling you all I almost choked on a pringle when my phone rang……. Long story short, I got the job….

for the first 2 months I went home with a headache DAILY. I felt so sorry for my coworkers at the time, I swear, not only were they doing their own jobs, but they were doing mine too. My office had a major change-up in staffing which of course made me want to rip my hair out (Oh, speaking of hair out, I had a bald spot for the first few months there, I think because of the stress and huge learning deficit I was trying to operate at-that was interesting…. It happened twice, once during the movie, and once starting this…..) and I thought to myself regularly, “what the hell did you get yourself into…. you can’t do this….. You’re in over your head…..” each time deciding that I wasn’t going to quit and give in because things were hard. So, I adopted the mantra, One foot in front of the other…..

Well I have been there almost 7 months now, and guess what everyone?! I AM STILL LEARNING!!!!! One thing i’ve learned is that perseverance will hopefully pay off in the long run, and learning all you can will do nothing but benefit me in the future. Some days are better than others, and some days I go home with headaches. But nevertheless, I persist. I can do this…. We are finally almost fully staffed, with many new additions to my office team, and I can say this…. I love them all for their own quirks, eventually, once everyone has learned enough, we will be unstoppable.

I only hope to pass on any knowledge I can to them, and just be as supportive to them as those before me were. Without them, I can’t do my job.

Well, this has droned on far too long… But I feel like i’ve caught you all up on the highlights of my crazy, beautiful life…. I promise I will write more frequently, I can’t promise that everyone will agree with what I write, but that isn’t what I care about. After all they are might words, unrehearsed, unapologetic, and ultimately my own.

Until next time Love fiercely, smile, spread light, and love……

–L

One hundred thousand miles

March 17, 2016 / lioneltorres / Leave a comment

One hundred thousand miles.

It seems like such a large number, and it definitely is. That’s how many miles I’ve driven in my Toyota Camry.

Lets break that down really quick…

It’s taken me almost 6 years to reach that number, and it got here way before I ever intended it to. At an average travel speed of 60mph (which isn’t really how fast I went the entire time… sometimes slower, and sometimes a lot faster… “allegedly”) that figures out to being 1,666.66 hours spent in my car. Which means that I have literally spent 2 out of the last 72 months in transit……… wow, kind of crazy when you really put it in terms like that.

I find it only appropriate that my 100,000-mile mark is being crossed while on a road-trip. I was on my way to Colorado, and I had realized about midway through Kansas that I was going to hit it… I instantly panicked for a second…. “HOLY SMOKES! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH YOUR LIFE THAT WARRANTS 100,000 MILES” and I really began to think…. what had I done with my life for the last 100,000 miles?

Ladies and gentlemen, I kid you not; I sat there driving my car in complete silence for probably hundred miles thinking. Here’s what I came up with:

I’ve grown to be six years older with that car. It has seen me through some amazing “ups” and has been a place of solace through my fair share of “downs.”

In the last 100,000 miles of my life journey… I’ve seen life, amazing, and wonderfully unique life being brought into this world… My little brother B. So inquisitive, and quick-witted, but his life journey began within my journey… crazy.

In the last 100,000 miles I call my life…. I’ve seen death: unstoppable, a thief in his own… it has robbed several loved ones of their time on Earth. My car has helped me grieve, provide a place of comfort, and a place where i’ve cried at least a hundred times…

I’ve seen triumph, in my continuing the journey of higher education. Making the honor roll, which I kid you not, had not happened since I was in the third grade.

I found joy in writing. I never thought I would, because as a child/teen/young adult, for the most part I didn’t enjoy it. It could be because it was “required” haha. Now I have a blog, and I love the chance to write about just about anything.

I’ve had some amazing vocal performances in my car, and I am so proud to say, that I had to turn down a Grammy nom, for my stunning rendition of Miss Katy Perry’s “Unconditionally.” seriously, you should thank me for that Katy, I’d have stolen your thunder, girl……… I’ve actually lost my voice during a trip driving to visit relatives 10 hours away (word of advice: just because you CAN sing for 10 hours worth of music and driving…. doesn’t mean you should….. Oh yeah, also, if you sing in your car long enough, you do become as good as Beyoncé, Keith Urban, Adam Levine; aaaaaaaand if you do it long enough, inevitably you are going to get caught in the car somewhere… I’m almost positive I’ve ended up on the Internet somewhere in a show-stopping performance.) Some of you have been subject to the audio punishment when riding in a car with me.

In the last one hundred THOUSAND miles, I’ve learned the value and cost of friendship… I’ve ended friendships that were cancerous, and not healthy… I’ve created friendships, and built bonds with so many people, some of whom I know WILL be life-long friends.

I’ve interacted with thousands of people, through work, leisure, and school (which is basically another form of work… I’m just saying… it is.) I have had an opportunity to learn a little bit about them, and more importantly about myself… In the 100,000 miles I have learned that my words can build people up, and help them realize their potential, and I’ve also learned that words, once said, can never be taken back; words can destroy, and devastate someone. As a society we’ve seen the effects that words can have on a person, through the growing numbers of teen suicides.

What I hope I may have done accidentally in the last one-hundred-thousand miles:

Change a life– I would love to be able to say I MIGHT have been able to impact someone’s life in a positive way, but I can’t.

Change the world– I’d like to say that I’ve changed the world in the tiniest way possible by trying to be a positive person.

Inspire- There really isn’t anything I can here… I just hope I’ve inspired someone…

It was funny, when I rolled over the 100,000-mile mark; I tried soaking in the moment…

I was in Kansas, there was NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING around. It was 1:53pm, and 59 degrees outside… The song playing on the radio was “For Good” performed the cast of GLEE, which I found to be the most fitting, because it made me think of everyone I’ve shared a moment of my life with in the last 100,000 miles. It makes me smile, because I truly do believe what the lyrics say, “Because I knew you, I have been changed. For good.”

I want to thank each and every one of you so much for sharing your life with me… Life is so unexpected and fragile; each moment should be cherished, enjoyed and appreciated. In the last 100,000 miles, I have appreciated a lot… in the next 100,000 I hope to get the chance to create even more memories.

What have you done in the last 100,000 miles of your life? You ever stopped to think?

Until next time everyone, love fiercely, smile, and keep moving forward, never backwards in this thing we call “Life!”

Here’s to the NEXT 100,000!

Much Love,
–L

My cat can fly

October 10, 2015October 10, 2015 / lioneltorres / 3 Comments

Empowerment….

what is it? well in a nutshell it basically means to promote self-actualization, and broken down even further and using terms I am sure we have ALL heard at one point or another. “reaching your full potential.”I know for the most part, everyone at some point in their life has heard this from someone, whether it be a parent, an employer, or an educator. My high school dramatic arts teacher at one time or another told me that a time or two something along the lines of, “you can do so much better, you haven’t done your best work, now try it again” these statements usually followed a minuscule effort put forth by yours truly… I swear I heard that more in my high school career than the average person from my parents and educators, and guess what?! They were right, and I have told both my Dramatic Arts instructor, and mentor thank you for pushing me to be the best I could be. I am so excited anytime I hear someone I know has a child enrolled in her class, because they aren’t going to be taught only about the dramatic arts, but they are going to be empowered with valuable skills that will help them throughout the rest of their lives….

Now as an adult, I find myself in the same position, looking at others imagining and wishing they could see themselves how I see them, capable of greatness, and so much more.

For several years I worked as a program assistant, providing educationally creative programming to young people, trying to help them reach their full potential. When their was a task at hand, it was all work, but when it was time to play, oh yeah, it was time to play trust me, because playtime for young people, is just as important as time spent focusing on an educational task. I’ve been hit by more basketballs, gator-skin balls, and footballs than I care to count, and trust me, kids throw faster than you realize, ha! Now at one period of time while working there, I was tasked with helping one of the many incredible youth prepare a speech to use in a competition. This competition, if won, would provide him scholarship money to continue his education. I made him work hard, and trust me, he knew it, and I knew it. At one point there was a goof-up oh his end that resulted up with him voicing his opinion about me, TO ME, and not his friends. It was comical, and I laughed immediately as the following message was a serious back-pedal, and avoidance of me. He was done working, and it was clear he needed to play, even at 17 years old. To make an incredibly long story shorter, he won the competition, and received the scholarship… On numerous occasions following it, he thanked me for pushing him so hard. My response almost every time was the same, “I knew you could do it, I knew you could do something amazing, YOU just had to realize you could do it.”

Holy smokes, I had become my parents/teachers/employers…….. Now there wasn’t some grandiose moment of realization on my part, it was more of an “ah ha” moment, and thinking “That’s what they meant.” When you help someone become a better version of themselves, it feels good, and you know you did your part to change the world.

Now why did I go into this drawn-out explanation about my past? Barbie, a company that makes toys for children recently released a commercial that hit a soft spot. Here I’ll just let you see for yourself.

https://youtu.be/l1vnsqbnAkk

When children play, they can be anything they want to be. Imaginations run wild, and they can be a superhero princess saving the world from giant trolls, a Jedi swinging his light saber, or a doctor curing the most severe case of cooties that this world has ever seen, because Lizzy touched their stuffed animal. Allowing your child time to be creative, isn’t limiting their education, it’s expanding their ability to play, to think, and to see themselves as something greater than they have yet to achieve.

This ad campaign by Barbie isn’t so much about playtime, as it is about empowering young people to achieve greatness……

Until next time, love fiercely, smile, ~~work hard~~ play, and empower others.

Much Love,

—L

—

The winds of change……

May 20, 2015May 20, 2015 / lioneltorres / 1 Comment

Imagine with me for just a second…

You are on the edge of a cliff at night, staring at the rolling waves below. You can barely see them, but you know they are there. Darkness has fallen over the water, and it has created an unknown environment. In the distance you see a light-house, a beacon in the night, ushering you towards it. The only problem is, you have to jump into the water, and swim in order to make it to the other side. What is going through your mind? Is it safe to jump in? Do you dare to take the risk? What if there is danger? What if you can’t swim hard enough, and the darkness envelopes you? What if you get too far, and realize you are too scared and the only thing you want to do, is go back to what’s known and safe; but the only catch is that you’ve jumped off the cliff, and there is no way to get back to it.

That, in a nutshell is what I am going through. If you know me at all, you know what I probably do as a “Job.” I get paid to change the world just the tiniest bit every day. I work with young humans, and try to guide them in a positive direction using my words, actions, and sometimes non-verbal communications. Am I perfect? oh heck no, I make mistakes on a daily basis. I sometimes say the wrong thing, or make a remark that dampens their mood, but all that being said. I would like to say, that I’ve created a bond and connection with each and every youth that I’ve come in contact with at work. There are some that I’ve known since I first started in 2008, and some that I just met within the last few weeks. Each of them holds something special to me, and I love each of them dearly. Some are easier than others and some, well, lets just be real for a second here guys, EVERYONE that is reading this; at some point in your life, has watched “The Simpsons.” Well you know how sometimes Bart is acting completely crazy, and out of control and Homer ends up wringing his neck. Yeah well, I don’t do that, because that’s child abuse, but I’ve felt like Homer a time or two…. but even the Bart Simpson’s of the world have something lovable about them.

So I’ve been there since 2008, and this facility has watched me grow up… literally. I went there as a kid, and then came back to work as an adult. As an adult, it has helped me grow, and mature, and in the most sincerest way possible. It saved me from myself.

Here’s why I’m filling you all in on this… Ready for it?

I’m leaving……. Tomorrow is my last day for a while.

Not forever, I’m not going to the moon, (although that would be pretty stinkin’ amazing) but I am leaving. After spending the last 7 years of my life in one place I’m going on a new adventure. This has been a long time in the making, and I’ve worked every little detail out, and it’s really happening. I’m leaving… Am I scared? oh yeah. I’m absolutely terrified. there is so much fear in the unknown. But I’ll be back at the end of summer.

That being said, when we push ourselves to the limits and outside of our comfort zone. It forces us to adapt to the change and most importantly to grow….. We find ourselves discovering new-found strength and re-igniting the fires of passion and drive. So while I am terrified, and fearful of ever-looming fact that I might not be as successful as I’d hoped. I am so excited to embark on this journey of growth and exploration. I am exhilarated to find out what I am made of. I am thrilled to find out what new sense of resiliency I might have that is just beneath my conscious mind. In a way, I am returning to my roots with my adventure, but in an entirely different capacity.

I realize that I’ve been elusive on what I will actually be doing when I leave the Youth Center, and that is intentional. Not because I want to deceive you all, but it really and truly doesn’t matter. What matters is the message. I am that kid standing at the cliff, looking out at the water that is my new adventure…. the lighthouse is my end-game, and the proverbial light doesn’t amount to death (so please don’t take this in a morbid sense), it amounts to a new day as a changed person. A person that can look forward, and not look back. I am jumping off the cliff into the water, nervous about the journey across, and knowing that looking backwards to safety (that is my current life-which I love… don’t think I don’t) is there. But in order to grow, I have to do this, not for anyone else, but for me. I have to know what that light-house is……. I will struggle, and I will stress-out on things. But I will succeed, because I know that I am capable of handling infinitely more than I am comfortable with.

So, I will leave you all with this.

If you find yourself in a similar situation….. I urge you to dive head-first into the waters of the unknown, as long as you know where you are coming from and where you want to go. the Journey is everything you need to grow, although the waters may be rocky, don’t get scared and turn back. Press onward my strong friends. I know I will…

That’s all for now, until next time my friends, be well, love fiercely, smile, and push yourself outside of your comfort-zone. I think you might enjoy it.

–L

What a wonderful world.

April 26, 2015April 26, 2015 / lioneltorres / Leave a comment

Children are curious, always looking for an answer, or a way to understand things that are happening in their world. A sunrise isn’t the start of another horrible day, when they open their eyes, it means a new adventure is going to start, and youth often think, “what will happen to them today.”

I have a just-turned five-year old brother, We are going to call him B on here. like many other little ones in the world, he seeks understanding, and to smile, laugh, and definitely most importantly to him, to play! He has an incredible imagination, and throughout most of the day, everything is a game. his imagination allows him the opportunity to make something tiny, like a pool noodle, become a sword on his journey to beat invading aliens, or to use a pillow as a shield since he is now Captain America. He can throw himself around the room making the laser gun sounds that sound infinitely better than my “pew pew” sounds. I honestly think the coolest thing is how his brain processes the amount of information that he is presented.

Since he is still learning about the world around him, he will often ask a million questions, ranging from, “What does that word say?” all the way to. “How do planes fly if they are metal?”

As we grow up and get older and at some point we lose that spark, we stop pretending and seeing the wonder in things. We drone on in our daily lives, moving from task to task; working, and chasing that “dream.” But what is the dream? to be filthy rich? to be wealthy enough you don’t have to worry about things financially ever again? Sure, we all want those things, but at what cost would it still be “worth it?” Where is the irony in working your entire life, and retiring at 70, when a majority of your life is indeed gone, and you begin to “live.”

Just earlier today, I was sitting in a classroom taking an exam, when I looked out the window (probably because I couldn’t think of the answer, and maybe I was subliminally hoping there would be a squirrel with a giant note-card with the answer on it.) and there was a girl out there sitting down on the grass, and I couldn’t help but think, “Wow, I want to be out there!” she wasn’t doing anything, and in that moment, she was doing EVERYTHING I wanted to do. By just sitting down and enjoying the weather, she didn’t have her phone out, she didn’t have a book out, she was simply sitting there with her eyes closed. It was magnificent, refreshing, and peaceful.

When had I felt that moment of peace that I’m assuming she was experiencing? (now this is of course speculation, she could have been fighting a killer headache, but lets just be optimistic people.) The last time I had this feeling was several weeks ago, I was on top of a mountain and sitting there, listening to music and just simply looking out at the ground below me. In that moment, I was still, my phone was on silent, and I was sitting there quietly on a rock. Amazingly enough, I was having the best time ever, and there was no video games, or television present, granted yes, I was listening to music, but it was Ed Sheeran radio on Pandora. I mean just look at this picture!

Mount Scott is near Lawton, Oklahoma. I seriously suggest anyone and everyone visit

It was beautiful and serene, and left me in awe, and wonder as to how it has been here all this time, and I’ve lived in Oklahoma for so long and never been here. I realize that life never stops, there will be times that suck, and there will be times where you are happier than you ever thought possible, but don’t forget to find those times, where you sit in wonder, silence, and peace. These are the moments we should be working towards.

That’s all for now, until next time my friends be well, love fiercely, smile, and find peace

—L